I don't have to be strong enough. Part 2

The pH probe was a huge fail.  Just like the NG tube.  The probe coiled in his mouth the 1st try.  The 2nd and 3rd try yielded more screaming and sputtering blood everywhere.  It was traumatic for all of us.  And..I'm pretty sure that I took it harder this time than ever before, seeing as how I was against the test in the 1st place.  Lesson learned (again): go with your gut.  Never forget that I said that, just repeat it...go with your gut.

Ugh.  I debated on even writing this post seeing as how every muscle in my body is killing me and my head is pounding...I'm still emotionally and physically wound up from all of today's goings-on.  I knew if I wrote this that it would be very emotionally charged and very one-sided.  There's my disclaimer.

I'm anti-pH Probe and anti-fundo.  That's just the way it is.  Now, to get the GI to understand.

So...  Tomorrow..  We meet with the surgeon.  This all seems a little out of order to me, and I'm not quite sure why we're already meeting the surgeon.   But, we're meeting him anyway.  In my mind, this will do one of two things: 1) shed some light on the situation or 2) throw another wrench in it.  For everyone's sake, I hope that we can just set a date for the feeding tube installation & let that be that.  No more fundo talk, no more probing, let's just get down to business.

No joke guys, if there were ever a time that we needed your prayers, it's now--on this topic.  GI, feeding tube, Clark's health, my sanity...all of that.  All of it.  Please, please, please & thank you.  I need clarity for tomorrow, for that appointment with the surgeon.  That's all, we just need your prayers.

Back to today for a second..  I really thought I was desensitized to this medical stuff.  I've held Clark down for blood draws, i.v.'s, shots, NG tube attempts, eye exams using metal speculums;  I watched him nearly die several times in the NICU.  I truly thought I was hardened enough to handle just about anything.  But today broke me.  I don't think I've got it in me anymore to put him through these things.  It's gotten to the point where it's too much. 

I’m broken
Down to nothing
But I’m still holding on to the one thing:
You are God
And You are strong when I am weak.
 

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength,
  & I don’t have to be strong enough.